太陽和魚

如果有一個世界混濁的不像話,原諒我飛,曾經眷戀太陽。你是我的太陽,一碰就碎的太陽。 Continue reading

The First Cut is the Deepest

I tried so hard and it’s working. Please don’t let him spoil it all again. He’s not the first but he certainly cut it deeper then anyone else had. I loved him in a way I would never love anyone again. The euphoria we get after spending time together, walking for hours eschewing transport, talking till 5am on the phone. Just looking at each other sent shivers down my spine and I know, his. We longed to be close to each other, not just physically. He is still the only person outside of class I ever discussed, seriously not casual conversationally, Plato’s theory on the shadows and of course our never ending debates on religion.
It was too much, too unrelenting. Worse of all, it was not because I trusted him that I did not care to question. I was blind to all his faults. I forgave him for everything but I don’t think I’d ever forget. It’s a thorn in my side that I couldn’t look at him without feeling contempt for myself. I think I lost those feelings of euphoria for him a long time before I left him and he doesn’t know it. What I felt and what I feel now are lingering memories of what had been beautiful once.
True, he was there for me at some low points in my life, some of which were brought about by him and the fact that my family hated him and still hates him. We were young and we thought we were invincible. We thought love was everything. I loved him and he thought I’d change myself for him. I tried but I can’t change myself, even for him. Maybe we were growing up in different directions and he saw it coming, he tried to push me back to his path. I am still not the the kind of person he wants me to be, even in my now more conventional job I will never be the kind of person he hopes I will be.
I see his messages and I hate myself for responding. I can’t believe I let myself sink so low then, making myself into someone I am not. Even more for the ‘rebellion’ after, the smoking, the swearing and worse of all the abandon with which I dated other people.
I have been trying to forget, leading my new life with someone else. Yet he just calls and my walls come tumbling down. Leave me alone please. I want this relationship to work even with all the problems. I want him more then I you. I do love him more then you right now. I might not love him as I once loved you but I don’t love you anymore.
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I would have given you all of my heart
but there’s someone who’s torn it apart
and she’s taking almost all that I’ve got
but if you want, I’ll try to love again
baby I’ll try to love again but I know Continue reading

也許是這樣的……

送給你,Kid Rock的Only God Knows Why Continue reading

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