也許真的是最後了

我雖然從小受天主教教育,但是我絕對是不相信那套的。 Continue reading

The First Cut is the Deepest

I tried so hard and it’s working. Please don’t let him spoil it all again. He’s not the first but he certainly cut it deeper then anyone else had. I loved him in a way I would never love anyone again. The euphoria we get after spending time together, walking for hours eschewing transport, talking till 5am on the phone. Just looking at each other sent shivers down my spine and I know, his. We longed to be close to each other, not just physically. He is still the only person outside of class I ever discussed, seriously not casual conversationally, Plato’s theory on the shadows and of course our never ending debates on religion.
It was too much, too unrelenting. Worse of all, it was not because I trusted him that I did not care to question. I was blind to all his faults. I forgave him for everything but I don’t think I’d ever forget. It’s a thorn in my side that I couldn’t look at him without feeling contempt for myself. I think I lost those feelings of euphoria for him a long time before I left him and he doesn’t know it. What I felt and what I feel now are lingering memories of what had been beautiful once.
True, he was there for me at some low points in my life, some of which were brought about by him and the fact that my family hated him and still hates him. We were young and we thought we were invincible. We thought love was everything. I loved him and he thought I’d change myself for him. I tried but I can’t change myself, even for him. Maybe we were growing up in different directions and he saw it coming, he tried to push me back to his path. I am still not the the kind of person he wants me to be, even in my now more conventional job I will never be the kind of person he hopes I will be.
I see his messages and I hate myself for responding. I can’t believe I let myself sink so low then, making myself into someone I am not. Even more for the ‘rebellion’ after, the smoking, the swearing and worse of all the abandon with which I dated other people.
I have been trying to forget, leading my new life with someone else. Yet he just calls and my walls come tumbling down. Leave me alone please. I want this relationship to work even with all the problems. I want him more then I you. I do love him more then you right now. I might not love him as I once loved you but I don’t love you anymore.
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I would have given you all of my heart
but there’s someone who’s torn it apart
and she’s taking almost all that I’ve got
but if you want, I’ll try to love again
baby I’ll try to love again but I know Continue reading

新聞台: 不是甚麼都可以挽救的

From http://mypaper.pchome.com.tw/news/mommom/3/1264496800/20060208042722/

那天和剛剛從台北回來的舊同學吃飯
她跟我說的小故事
她和幾個朋友在某個人家裡玩
大伙一起煮東西
一個男生大概是不是很會切菜吧
眼看刀子要掉在地上了
我朋友一輩子大概只有那次那麼眼明手快
伸手接住了刀
但是是握住了刀鋒
鮮血開始往地上滴著
她才意識刀自己的瘦受傷了 Continue reading

新聞台: 寂寞侵蝕

From http://mypaper.pchome.com.tw/news/mommom/3/1248536993/20050629033613/

憂傷一直潛伏在我心深處

我不了解這種憂傷從何爾來

我不知道該如何讓自己不再憂傷 Continue reading

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